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Post by Xaber Wed May 27, 2015 8:39 am

Really, I started this topic because I've got a 6000-word short story due in the next few months that's going to count for a sizeable chunk of my final school mark ever. I would welcome any feedback on it.

Warnings for profanity, some violence, and sexual references.

Spoiler:
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Post by d_what Wed May 27, 2015 2:41 pm

This is kind of fragmented commentary because I have ideas and then forget about them, so excuse the tiny length. There'll probably be more later.

1) really like the first paragraph, it's got a great rhythm. I would maybe edit the radio line to make it slightly more similar in structure to the previous two, cut the "the" and "have used it" with a simple "for", the repetition and similarity'll make it seem like more of a ritual or repeated task, one which has been done a lot to the point of boredom. It's a really great hook actually, kudos.

2) IMO cut the " lone" from "lone car". It's already one car, and waters down the alliteration. I think the term is alliteration? It's been a while. And too many adverbs (is it adverbs? I forget. Like "lone".) slows down a piece with unnecessary description. Some is needed, definitely! But not every noun has to be described, IMO anyway.

3) close quote after human? And maybe reconsider " damn it" as a profanity for one which doesn't start with D. Slightly distracting for a reader after the eye spy stuff. Maybe it was intentional - all I'll say is, I noticed it. Maybe it shouldn't be something that should be noticed!

But yeah so far these are easily the smallest suggestions I have ever had to make on any creative piece ever, EVER. And I was one of my year's resident art critics/proof readers. Like, holy shit. What are they teaching you guys in Australia, and can I get some of that?? It's really, really good.
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Post by Xaber Wed Aug 12, 2015 9:03 am

hey! so this is due on friday. i'm feeling pretty good about most of it but i was just sort of tossing up for a few parts and i wouldn't mind an opinion or two.

first:

“I’m not going to die,” she said, and turned the transmitter off.
OR
“Speech is a waste,” she said, and turned the transmitter off.

this part is from the very beginning: i like the first one, but i feel that it's not really characteristic of Alice to say something like that. the other one feels clumsier, but seems more fitting to her character and it's recalled at the end of the story. there's probably a better way to combine these options but i haven't figured it out yet.

second:

The car cut a line of dust across the road. Alice stared forward. She didn’t speak. That would be a waste.
OR
The car cut a line of dust across the road. Alice considered speaking, but didn’t waste her breath.

basically the first one feels a bit awkward in the sentence structure: the second one is an attempt at fixing this but it doesn't feel that much better. this is also something that probably has an easier solution but i just haven't figured it out yet.

also! this is very late, but thanks for the advice d_what, i made most of the changes you recommended. also, thank you very much for the compliment. (sorry for not replying to this months ago, i just put it off for a bit and then got swamped by real life commitments and forgot)
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Post by d_what Wed Aug 12, 2015 9:55 am

Xaber wrote:(sorry for not replying to this months ago, i just put it off for a bit and then got swamped by real life commitments and forgot)
FTFY and it's much shorter now you are welcome Razz

Anyway for the first, I really couldn't tell you, that's your decision to make. The second one is easier, though, because they mean very different things. "Alice stared forward. She didn’t speak. That would be a waste." That's just not speaking. Whereas "Alice considered speaking" isn't just not speaking, it's almost doing it and thinking very hard about doing so. Which is only really useful I think when there are words that should be said in a conversation and they aren't, for whatever reason. But in this case, there's no focus on what it is she's not saying, just that she's thinking about not talking. I dunno about you, but I rarely think about talking and then not doing it, unless I'm trying to break an awkward silence or something. I'd go with the first line, definitely.

Also, damn, how high is the English standard in Australian education?? I doubt any of my classmates gave any of their work even half of the effort you're putting into it. It's freakin' me out brah :O
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Post by Xaber Wed Aug 12, 2015 9:08 pm

d_what wrote:
Xaber wrote:(sorry for not replying to this months ago, i just put it off for a bit and then got swamped by real life commitments and forgot)
FTFY and it's much shorter now you are welcome :P
>:(

d_what wrote:I'd go with the first line, definitely.

thanks for the advice! i think i'll go with that.

d_what wrote:Also, damn, how high is the English standard in Australian education?? I doubt any of my classmates gave any of their work even half of the effort you're putting into it. It's freakin' me out brah :O

i don't think it's really that high; this subject is the highest extension of english you can do (so only about 3% of the cohort does it) and i think i've put in more work than most, since i have really enjoyed the process of working on it. thanks so much, though!
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